Addiction

HAHAHA story of my life.

All I Ask

Am i really asking for too much?

Failing Friendship

I want to make things work. I wish things would just turn out okay. I don't know why i find myself wondering if tomorrow we'll even be able to say hello or if today truly is goodbye. Frustrated. I'm so bothered by the fact that the cycle is never ending. Our peculiar friendship began about two years ago with something as simple as the occasional hello.

From there things evolved to be something a little bit more than informal. The secret conversations. The telephone line holding up much more than it was meant to bear. The words spoken vanished into thin air. I would wake up barely forgetting the sound of your voice. Once again frustrated by the fact that i found myself wanting more. Hellos became I miss you's. I miss you's to I love you's. Empty words with no meaning failed to satiate my hunger for the affection i was longing. Unfolding was a story that seemed to have no ending. Or so i hoped it had no ending.

With more affection came more fights. Neither of us unable to truly give into the other persons demands. I was unable to say no and you yes. I always felt myself hoping that you meant the words you said. That the little lies would slowly start to hold a little truth. Every fight would bring us closer together. And i didn't mind that. Maybe one day things would maybe turn out right.

As far as i was concerned, we would remain close for the rest of our lives. We started to make plans. We were on the track to being at least somewhat happy. But as we got closer, i found myself getting more disappointed, more hurt. 6.22.2008. Things started to be a little less than good.

I found you there. Making me wish my birthday was the day i died. "well what do you want me to do about it now?" I find these words to stick with me. They won't let me forget. Even a whole year later, i still find myself hearing these words come from your mouth. All the stolen kisses. All the late night phone calls. All the times where i felt more happy than sad. They all feel like they are in the past.

I still to this very day find myself wanting to be within the safety of your presence. Wishing that you would prove me wrong. It's foolish of me to even question such a relationship when the basis of our friendship fails to exist.

Friend [frend] (n): a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
Are you even attached to me anymore? Or are you more bothered by the fact that i'm still alive.? Do you have any feelings of affection toward me anymore? Do you even acknowledge my presence?

Friend. That is what you want to be. That's as far as your want our relationship to go. So why do i find myself being the only one able to move forward past all of our issues. Past the fact that i still love you. I'm trying. trying really hard to be just a friend to you, but if i'm trying so hard...couldn't you even at least give a little effort?

I'm finding myself now. Stuck between two decisions. I want to try to make things work.
I'm told to just stop being an idiot and see what the situation really is
I know i can't do anything about it
I know i should stop
But instead i find myself hoping for something more than a flimsy friendship
If i'm going to try
I don't want another flimsy friendship
I don't want the person you've become
I miss the person you used to be