JOINTblog

-Hi Helen
-Holla. what up ?
-I'm irritated. I'm cuter than that person right?
-mmmhmmm. you already know. cockblocker :D
-Ewww this scene is really going to make me throw up. how korean dramaesque. It's kinda really making me jealous. do you think they like each other?
-probably not. dont worry baby. its all gunna work out. cuz you guys are all fine right now arent you ?
-no, we're not. didn't i tell you that we fought like yesterday? it was really like retarded. _____ keeps on telling me i'm too much effort to be friends with, so i am trying to be an effortless friend. Whenever i try to accommodate myself to ____'s needs, i always end up getting trampled over. it kinda sucks. i am trying so hard.
- but you guys seem so fine today ! like talking and all. lalala. yes. but just dont give that much thought to it and it will be fine. try not to analyze things so much ?
-they're moving closer and closer together. what da. anyways. does that actually work i don't think that works. and they are like saying things and laughing and smiling and i don't like the way _____ (with longer hair) looks at ______
-hahah no worries. i dont reallly think there making that much progress towards anything, if even something. haha. but hands down theres probably nothing there :D
-easy for you to say. if they fall asleep again on each other. you know for shure that ______ (with longer hair) likes _____. it is ______'s (with longer hair) way of making a move...
-hahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahaha ! i cant object :P but who cares. its probably one sided then. cuz i highly doubt its a two way thing. so stop worrying ! be convinced of that ! :D
-but. ohkay. the way that _____ (with shorter hair) works is that _______ likes people who like itself. ______ (with shorter hair) gets interested really easily. lol. nice for looking over. BLAH. fawkkkkk. go sit in between them now.
-COCKBLOCKERRRR. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. theres been so much cockblocking this whole day ! its a signnnnn :))
-I am SOOOO much cuter. oh my damn. maybe it's like a romeo and juliet tale. all of the cockblocking that has been going on today is like their fight to get to each other. -_____-
-HAHAHAHHAA. stop flattering themselves and make yourself feel better. haha. think things thats more preferable to yourself and itll come true ! yay ! :D
-i'm WAYYYY better at being seducing. can you imagine _____ (with longer hair) trying to seduce someone? it would be so boring. i think that the person ______ (with longer hair) is trying to seduce would fall asleep. WHAT THE FUCK. ____ (with shorter hair) just moved over so that their shoulders are touching. WHAT THEEEEEEE
-hahahahahahahhaha ! stop over-analyzing things ! calm yourself down(: things will work out. besides, theres no more practically seeing eachother after this, right ?
-i guess. but now that ______ (who got a new car) gave ______ (with shorter hair) a car, ____ (with shorter hair) can drive out to visit ____ (with longer hair). it could work in theory. the fact that ____ (with shorter hair) is kinda bad with relationships means that a long distance thing might work better than an actual active relationship, which is kinda weird....but i guess that's the way it is. blah. do you think that _____ (with shorter hair) is doing it to make me jealous? i mean _____ has done that to me before. it's kinda retarded, but it has happened.
-if it happened before, its probably repeating history. but then again, it can be unintentional. maybe the other party isnt thinking much of it. so stopstopstop ! :)

ADD IN TRACY NOW

-So basically helen and i have been ranting on about ______ (with shorter hair) is acting with ______ (with longer hair). what is your take on the situation?
-I think something is going on. Yes. Sleeveless got excited when red was coming back at college group.
-REALLY?! WHAT THE FRICKKKKKKKK. how so?
-All over each other during retreat, after, and now

SWITCHING OVER TO LUKE
-LUKE. you think they're cute? You'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!!!! =[[[[
_ I think everyone is cute, and i was talking about the girl with peace on her chest

CHANGE OVER TO NATHAN
-do you think _____ (with shorter hair) likes _____ (with longer hair) ? =[[[[
-not really....if pineapples like oranges then pineapples are very brave. Oranges have a lot of citrus acid.
-if ____ (with longer hair) is an orange. than i am a cuter orange right? like a....TANGERINE?! yes like the cuties. the little cute tangerine things right? i'm a tangerine and _____ (with longer hair) is like a SOGGY ORANGE (mari hates those)
-soggy oranges get moldy very quickly so i like to seperate them from the other fruit.

CHANGE BACK TO HELEN
-______ (with longer hair) got out its diary. ______ (with longer hair) probably is going to write about its joys it just had
-oh, hahahaha ! fdsahfkjaslf :[[ steal it and read !
-DO YOU SEE THE DIARY?!
-YESSSSSSSIR !

BAHHH AND THIS ENDS THIS RETARDED CONVERSATION TO VENT OUT MY FRUSTRATION
goodbye.

to the person i'm forced to deal with

Irritated. Bothered. Frustrated. Day after day, I listen to you speak. Shroud my mind with your useless blabber. Tired. Oh so very tired of having you take all the credit. For the hard work I've done. For my ideas. Annoyed. Although years have passed. I still can't get used to this. Your constant need to be the best. To stomp all over me. Criticize me. Then use them as you own. "I think he feels the need to compete with me." No. Not even. I'm done competing. I've won. I know I am just as good. If not even better. So stop you ways and shut the fuck up. I know who I am. Stop raining on my parade.

Addiction

HAHAHA story of my life.

All I Ask

Am i really asking for too much?

Failing Friendship

I want to make things work. I wish things would just turn out okay. I don't know why i find myself wondering if tomorrow we'll even be able to say hello or if today truly is goodbye. Frustrated. I'm so bothered by the fact that the cycle is never ending. Our peculiar friendship began about two years ago with something as simple as the occasional hello.

From there things evolved to be something a little bit more than informal. The secret conversations. The telephone line holding up much more than it was meant to bear. The words spoken vanished into thin air. I would wake up barely forgetting the sound of your voice. Once again frustrated by the fact that i found myself wanting more. Hellos became I miss you's. I miss you's to I love you's. Empty words with no meaning failed to satiate my hunger for the affection i was longing. Unfolding was a story that seemed to have no ending. Or so i hoped it had no ending.

With more affection came more fights. Neither of us unable to truly give into the other persons demands. I was unable to say no and you yes. I always felt myself hoping that you meant the words you said. That the little lies would slowly start to hold a little truth. Every fight would bring us closer together. And i didn't mind that. Maybe one day things would maybe turn out right.

As far as i was concerned, we would remain close for the rest of our lives. We started to make plans. We were on the track to being at least somewhat happy. But as we got closer, i found myself getting more disappointed, more hurt. 6.22.2008. Things started to be a little less than good.

I found you there. Making me wish my birthday was the day i died. "well what do you want me to do about it now?" I find these words to stick with me. They won't let me forget. Even a whole year later, i still find myself hearing these words come from your mouth. All the stolen kisses. All the late night phone calls. All the times where i felt more happy than sad. They all feel like they are in the past.

I still to this very day find myself wanting to be within the safety of your presence. Wishing that you would prove me wrong. It's foolish of me to even question such a relationship when the basis of our friendship fails to exist.

Friend [frend] (n): a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
Are you even attached to me anymore? Or are you more bothered by the fact that i'm still alive.? Do you have any feelings of affection toward me anymore? Do you even acknowledge my presence?

Friend. That is what you want to be. That's as far as your want our relationship to go. So why do i find myself being the only one able to move forward past all of our issues. Past the fact that i still love you. I'm trying. trying really hard to be just a friend to you, but if i'm trying so hard...couldn't you even at least give a little effort?

I'm finding myself now. Stuck between two decisions. I want to try to make things work.
I'm told to just stop being an idiot and see what the situation really is
I know i can't do anything about it
I know i should stop
But instead i find myself hoping for something more than a flimsy friendship
If i'm going to try
I don't want another flimsy friendship
I don't want the person you've become
I miss the person you used to be